Murder in Maraval ...

The authorities were alerted on Monday 25th June, 2007 when an unidentified decomposing body was discovered behind a dumpster at Royal Castle on Maraval Rd. The body, which was found by the sales representative who wishes to remain anonymous, was said to have been discarded wrapped in plastic bags and exhibiting marks of extreme violence.

Upon interviewing, Maurice Samson, the Head Investigative Officer at the Port-of-Spain Forensic Investigation Department, had these words to say:

“This is the most extreme case of violence that we at the P.O.S.F.I.D. have ever seen since the inception of the department. The body was severely mutilated; cut as it seemed into quarters. The head and feet were missing as well as the internal organs and large chunks of flesh from the leg and thigh areas. Most disturbing of all was that the body bore human teeth marks all over it.”

It was later confirmed by the P.O.S.F.I.D that the cadaver was indeed half-eaten.

The body was described as being small- only 8-10 inches in length and estimated to be about 6 to 8 pounds which further raised questions to the nature of the crime. Upon chemical analysis at the lab it was revealed that the body had been lightly battered in a flour based product posthumously and fried in a zero trans-fat soybean oil. Also detected through toxicological analysis were traces of eleven herbs and spices, ketchup, mustard and pasted hot peppers.

Police are continuing to investigate, saying that they suspect that this crime will happen again. An obese negro man has since been held for questioning.

What is The Point ???

Ok ...... so ur a kid ...... yo go to school everyday with the ambition of doing well ........ to go on and "be what you want to be".

So you study hard and try to do well in school so you can get into a good secondary school and eventually a good college.

Then you go to college and you work hard ...... studying (or at least trying to study) to do well, get a good degree and get a great job.

Then you get out of university, your degree isn't as great as you wanted it to be ....... mainly due to sexual pursuits/pursuers , liming and alcohol ...... but that's besides the point you have ur degree....... its good enough to enter into the work force.......... you screen your opportunities carefully for salary desires, work environment and perks and you choose the best job available to you.

Ah yes !! Your life is set!! ........ you get that great job, the pinnacle of all that u have worked to accomplish over the last 20 or so odd years of your life. You have a boss, your boss is cool, you got no marital, family or financial problems ..... at least not yet. Everything is fantastic ............... working this job that you so strived for .......... everyday .......... doing the same thing .......... everyday ........ until you die ............... how exciting ...........

Sure u might get promoted in your boring little bubble of experience.......... sure u may find "love" and produce offspring ................ but is this the sole purpose of your existence? .............. to be a hamster in a the wheel of life just running and running and running. Turning the conveyor of society, and breeding to produce more hamsters that will join the work force and run in their own little wheels in 20 years........ how exciting.

Yeah u may get that promotion, new car, house etc. ......... But isn't that just like getting a shiny new wheel in the ever existent cage??

Oh hamsters of the world ........... what have you really accomplished in life? What is your mark in history? ........... 20 years of preparation to run on a wheel...... and when u die you'll just be buried in a shoe box .....

What is the point ???

Woman Swallowed by Black-Hole

A young woman and her two young children have gone missing today, in what has been reported to be a disaster involving a black-hole vortex. Lisa Seetaram, 22, of Monkeytown Village and her two young children, Krystal and Moonesh, were reportedly discovered missing by her common law husband Baldeo Ramroop on the night of Tuesday June 19th. Baldeo, in a drunken state, staggered into his house on that faithful night, not only to find his wife and two small children missing, but also a whirlwind of destruction.

"Ah did come home hoping to rupes up mih wife dey" a visibly distraught Baldeo stated, "But she wasn't dey and de whole place was mash een!". Baldeo further went on to say "Oh gawd ah go miss she eh, i mean i did used to give she lil licks an ting, but ah did love she bad bad".

Upon Baldeo's discovery, the police were immediately dispatched to investigate. At a press conference released later that day, Sgnt. Michael Samuels of the Special Branch Police Investigations Unit had this to say

"In conjunction with experts from the University of the West Indies, we believe that Miss Seetaram and her two children were swallowed by a black-hole vortex that was created mysteriously in her kitchen. It is also speculated that a number of other items from the household including clothes, some suitcases, some documents including plane tickets, food and a few small appliances were also sucked in. The police have however not ruled out foul play, and will continue investigating."

Also speaking at the press conference, Space-Time expert, Professor Stephen Giff had this to say:

"We have come to believe that this anomaly was created when Miss Seetaram, upon removing the last new garbage bag from a box of garbage bags, opened the bag and placed the box into it. The beginning had thus become the end creating a rip in the space-time continuum from which the vortex was created. Miss Seetaram and her children were believed to be sucked into this with the rest of the house being left in shambles."

Upon hearing of the incident, the Honourable Prime Minister of Trinidad and Tobago had this to say:

"It is definitely a concern of the Government of the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago, that vortices can be created in this fair island that have such disastrous potential. The PNM Government will make a concentrated effort to investigate the matter thoroughly and contain this garbage bag crisis." He further went on to say "We will stamp this out in the east, we will stamp it out in the west, we will stamp it out up north and we we stamp it out down south!!"

The Opposition Leader, however, had this to say
"Its the PNM's fault that this happened. Clearly the PNM has an agenda to remove voter's from UNC constituencies. The people of Trinidad will not stand for this and we will march through Port-of-Spain"

The CEO of the alleged garbage bag company was also contacted, but claimed that the entire situation was too ridiculous for comment.

Loch-ness Vagrant .....

There he was ........ a shadowy figure flickering at the edge of my range vision on that dark and drizzly night.

I wasn't sure if it was him or if my mind was just playing tricks on me. Could it be? ....... could it be the elusive one??

I had seen him once before ...... an anomaly of nature unexplainable. I had told my friends, even my family of his existence. But they scoffed at my discovery....

"Oh its a trick of light!" or "You have such a wild imagination!" they'd say.
But i had known what i had seen. The IRONY was so surreal that i couldn't have imagined it.


After our first encounter, i had sought him out again, driving about aimlessly trying to obtain photographic proof of his being. But it was to no avail, he had eluded me.

And now here he was again, ranting and grunting, shaggy and torn, just feet away from my car....i scrambled for my handy camera-phone....... so many buttons, so little time ....damn you fat fingers!!

It was to no avail...... he was out of range

or was he?

The light turned green, I whipped the car around aiming to make the block. Camera in hand i was ready. I approached the light again with much haste rushing to catch him before he disappeared into the night. And there he was right their in front of ........."Turn around dammit!!" i shouted mentally as he wailed into the wind. The picture would be no good unless i got his front!

The impending green light mangled all notions of patience ..... i had but moments left !!................. "Aye you!! You there !!" i shouted frantically, hanging a dollar out of the window.

But it was to know avail ....... he did not take my bait and went skipping wildly into the night leaving me with but one fuzzy picture. Hardly enough to gain notoriety.

He does exist .............. the vagrant that wears the t-shirt marked "Save Our Jobs" ......

........ he does exist ............

S.O.J. vagrant - last sited at the Uriah Butler Intersection by grand Bazaar
note: still wearing same t-shirt ................ as predicted !!

Natural Selection ...

I was in New York about a year ago and it was the first time that i had ever ridden on a subway ...

Now for those of you have ever ridden on a subway you would know that a subway could be a pretty dangerous thing ... if you are stupid. I mean you could get hit by it if you stand too close or fall onto the rails and get electrocuted for example. But for the number of people that live in New York there there are surprisingly little accidents that happen concerning the subway. You are more likely to get stabbed in the subway than run over by it. My friend however was telling me of a story about someone who tried to put their face against a train as it passed and dying as a result.

Now Flash to Trinidad...... Trinidad will soon be building a Rapid Rail system: The T3 ...
(Don't doubt me ...... I'm an engineer ......... and engineers know everything lol)

But i digress ........

When that rail comes, i can forsee "unfortunate" happenings ........ Trinis are a not accustomed to these things for one ..... and there will always be some jackass who would try some madness (like touching the train as it passes or something to that effect). Now I'm not saying that i think New Yorkers are smarter than Trinidadians; I'm pretty sure that a whole host of new Yorkers have died or have been injured by the subway since its inception, but I'm also sure that the numbers of such people have decreased due to familiarity with the system and people learning from the mistakes of others.

In nature, the weak and the feeble are usually eaten or die naturally. Only the strong and healthy survive thus ensuring the continued strength of the species. The human race, on the other hand, has become so technologically advanced over the millennium that it has become a super-predator with no natural enemies ...... It has no natural selection and thus allows the weak among us to survive and propagate. We have become super-predators due to our intellect and development of technology- our strengths- and therefore, those amongst us lacking intellect and technological savvy can be taken as being the weak.

So when stupid people die as a result of their own stupidity ...... don't feel forlorn ...... its just natural selection..... for humans.

So often we see dumb people doing dumb things and getting hurt, and we say "Hey, someone should redesign that so people don't get hurt - make it idiot proof"......but as you would soon come to realize - there is no such thing as "idiot proof" ..... Idiots are quite resourceful. Idiots get into everything, they go out of their way ignoring signs and crossing barriers to do meaningless acts and end up hurt in the process..... so why stop them??

In fact, maybe we should remove some barriers so we can get rid of them!! By protecting idiots we are just weakening the genetic pool.

The End

And remember folks, this is Bob Barker here reminding you to have your Fool Spaded or Neutered.

Marketing ...

Yesterday i saw a vagrant with a T-shirt on that was printed:
"Save Our Jobs"
And i thought to myself "Now that's marketing !!"

It was almost motivational ..... a vagrant making a statement about unemployment ..... how ironic ....... That's what we need more of in this country "Shock and Awe"

Trinidadians are too laid back ..... we don't take anything seriously until it is up in our faces.... I think we as Trinidadians should embark on a campaign - a serious campaign of making more people aware of the negative realities that exist in our country.

This serious campaign would consist of dressing vagrants up in brightly coloured t-shirts with slogans on them like "I didn't do well in school" and "I used crack cocaine" ......
What better way to convey a message to the youth of T&T - the messages that they seem to be so hard at hearing !?!

We could go to all the parks and squares that are bountifully occupied with these vagabonds and just hand them out ..... maybe even give them a bowl of soup. It won't be exploitation!! ........ they'll get a warm clean t-shirt..... and we'll get our message across. Who knows it might even become the height of hobo fashion.

But why stop there ..... we should take our impressionable young children on field trips too; carrying them to hobo havens: public squares, abandoned buildings and under bridges. This would show them the derelict conditions vagrants live in, their nasty hygiene and their open crack sores. I am sure that this would reduce the number of school drop-outs and improve grades.

We need to take the same aggressive marketing stance that we as a society use to sell candy and sneakers.

We'll call the program "Hobos for Humanity"
These people are already utterly useless members of society ...... they should at least contribute to saving future generations ....

If you can't be an example ... be a warning to others !!

(I tried to get a picture of the vagrant, i swear ......... i'll pass again today to see if i see him .... more than likely he'll have on the same t-shirt - its not like if vagrants have wardrobes)

SPRANGERCISES ...

Have you ever seen a fat *spranger ?
I haven't ......... in fact if you were to analyse the physicality of said sprangers you would realize that a spranger is quite fit ...... even ripped !!

*[For those of you unaware....... a spranger n. : a vagabond; a wino. One who generally has no source of steady employment and relies on various odd jobs, be them legal or illegal, to generate income - which is usually dispensed into some form of addiction (usually cocaine). ]

Now that you are adequately informed i will continue .....

Over the past few months i have found myself becoming rather pudgy ..... even dear i say it "fat". Though not a full fledged "Fat-Man" ..... the thought of my overweightness has greatly worried/disgusted me.

I know why i have become this way: a combination or poor diet, lack of exercise and general LAZINESS ........ And i have reached the point where i have decided to do something about it !!

Enter the Spranger ........

I have never seen a fat spranger ....
What is it about a sprangers lifestyle that has made him so trim ?

And what can one do - more particularly a soon to be fat man do- to achieve the superior physical physique of the colloquial spranger.

I have done my analysis and have come up with what i call "The Spranger 500" - a physical fitness regiment that will give you that toned body of a Greek God ...... or Trinidadian Spranger

So what does this entail ?

First of all we must do a thorough analysis of the sprangers existence then mimic his activities in everyday life.

A sprangers daily routine mainly consists of 2 types of activities:

1. Working odd jobs: Washing cars (most predominant), painting houses, small construction activities (usually carrying bricks) and;
   
2. Spranging .................... i.e. teifing
   

When we analyse these activities, we find that they constitute to the fundamental aspects of physical fitness i.e.:Weight Training (a spranger is alsways toting something .... be it buckets of water or bricks) ........ and Cardiovascular Activity (Spranging clearly involves ALOT of running and jumping)

So our exercises will hold true to these activities starting with a strict regime of daily bucket lifting/brick toting exercises; starting with paint sized buckets and increasing bucket sizes and no of bricks toted as the program progresses.

Also a program will be developed of short running, long distance running, and fence jumping exercises.

These Sprangercises are easy to do and only require items that can be found readily available in one of your neighbour's yards thus reaping maximium benifit and minimal financial expense.

In our advanced program these key components are even combined - weight training and cardio. This is accomplished whereby we grab heavy objects and run with them. Most effective training instruments for these activities are television sets, stoves and small fridges.

Note: A coup/riot is the Spranger Olympics

But we can't stop there to attain a true Spranger Physique
Other essential items to the spranger physicality are contributed by:

1. Diet & Nutrition - Sprangers eat a low carb, low fat, low protein diet of food usually discarded as the average joe has already stripped the "better" ingredients
   
2. Supplements- essential to any sprangers lifestyle is some form of addiction (usually cocaine). This acts doubly as it motivates the spranger as well as provides additional energy stores for the spranger to perfom his sprangerisms.

So we recommend a diet full of bread skins and half-eaten fruit as well as essential carbohydrates such as day old chinese food. Sprangers love chinese food.

In terms of supplements, we do not recommend the use of cocaine, though it can be QUITE successful in helping one achieve the TRUEST spranger mentality. But caffeine, moderately addictive, and with high energy yields can be substituted for great results !!

Sprangers have been also seen to have an affection for smoking crushed cigarette butts .......... but this practice is left totally to the discretion of the Sprangerciser.

In conclusion the Spranger 500 will be the next great fitness regiment since the Atkins Diet and Pilates ........... try it today!!

For more information call 1-800-ISPRANG ....