So I'm listening to the radio this morning, going along my merry way (not that I'm merry about going to work, but rather enjoying my last few minutes before impending doom) when I hear the Red 96.7 morning hosts talking about the attack of Tatiana the Tiger.
No it wasn't an ad for cornflakes .... but it was sufficiently annoying enough to make me wish they WERE trying to sell me something. This Tiger attacked 3 people, killing one and injuring 2 others before it was shot dead. The year before, it killed a man.
Apart from the fact that they said part of the reasons for the attack is that they should not take Tigers out from ... I quote: "Africa" and "Australia" ( I hope to good God that was a joke)
The kept going on and on about how the Tiger was real "Dread" .... and one of the hosts compared it to this bad dog he had that once bit his hand.
I had a bit of an issue with that ..... a dog is a domesticated animal ... if it lunges at you unprovoked it is, one might say "Real Dread"
However, a Tiger that mauls people is not "Real Dread" ....... its just a Tiger
That's what Tigers do ..... they kill and eat stuff ........ its on a Tiger's resume:
Work Experience:
92-94 Emperor Valley Zoo
94- 00 San Francisco Zoo
00-07 Central Park Zoo
Hobbies: Killing and eating meat
Not to rag on the morning show boys ...... but its a common ideology that human are superior to other animals ..... so we get all appalled when a Tiger, for example, eats a human.
How dear he !! That Bastard....
Its the same thing when I watch these nature shows about animal attacks. They always give these long explanations as to why animals attack humans.
Like this show about shark attacks on national geographic. "Oh it was a case of mistaken identity", "The sharks are stressed"..... blah blah blah ......
Who knows.... Maybe humans are just delicious !!
What I do know is that we are over fishing the seas, destroying the environment, reducing food sources and always in abundance everywhere. The point is if I was a Shark/Tiger I'd eat people too. Just think about it. Its obvious. Easy pickings. We are fatty, slow, and stop to take pictures of everything. We have a disconnect from nature ...
We never see an attack coming...
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Crotch Rocket !!!
So the ZZMaDMan has a bike ....
And despite the fact that when he tells people this, they automatically think its a red tricycle with yellow tassels ..... its a real live motorbike ... a fully fledged war machine.
So The ZZMaDMan is riding his bike down the highway, winding between the lanes of never ending traffic, when he comes across a ball of meat. Now there is no other way that one could truly describe this thing other than "a ball of meat"
It was clearly of flesh based origin judging by its tone and general consistency, but as from what poor creature this "meat" was derived The ZZMadMan had no clear indication. All that could be said is that that was the largest, non-descript, sun-baked collection of dirt covered cadaver that the ZZMaMan has ever seen on the nations motorways.
Now, as you may have figured by now, the dynamics of running over obstacles with a 2 wheeler, are vastly different from that a four wheeler. And faced with either the potential prospects of "bussing a fall", or being splattered with Churchill-Roosevelt meat sauce, it was clear that a predicament arose.
Now just to remind you .... The ZZMadMan was between lanes in traffic..... there was a car to the right of the "meat" and a pickup to its left and the Meat was in the middle, on the white line, quickly approaching.
The ZZMadMan automatically went into evasive maneuvers mode.
His senses were tuned, his eyes went all squinty, and his reflexes went into overdrive.
Just then, traffic in the left lane started to move up, the pickup started to drive up; soon it would be just past this dead "moose" making a space between it and the car behind it.
An opportunity arose !!
The ZZMaDman had every intention of utilising it!
A plan was made!
He had to accelerate into the space fast enough to gain it, round the meat, and accelerate back out of the space just as the pickup passed the cadaver lest he be hit by the car behind.
His left hand disengaged the clutch, his left foot dropped the gear, his left hand re-engaged the clutch and he leaned hard to the right as his right hand wrung the throttle unleashing the roar of the beast !!
The space was gained, the meat was rounded ... now all that was left was the exit!!
Just then....... the pickup came to an abrupt stop.............. literally 2 feet between itself and that lump of cornbeef.
Shit !!!
His right hand quickly released the throttle, he leaned hard to the right to stabilize, and gripped hard on the break !!
Just then 2 things happened:
1) The tires screeched as they bit into the road, the bike rounded the solid crome bumper of that dastardly pickup ... the meat was missed completely
2) The ZZMadMan arms tensed to their full strength to stop him from shooting over the handle bars, his left leg flailed out wildly, and his right testicle shot up into his throat and told his Adam's apple:
"Wat's up buddy !!"
The ZZMaDMan found out intimately why they call a bike a Crotch Rocket !!
Now most guys know what it is like to have this experience... at least to some degree; But for the ladies ..... and men who who never played a sport or angered young children The ZZMadMan will attempt to explain this experience:
Imagine Euphoria..... Imagine immense joy and satisfaction ...Imagine that warm glow you feel when everything is right with ur life...
Now imagine the exact opposite... Imagine pain ... just pain ... nothing but pain ... in every fiber of your torso; rainclouds, dog shit, mouldy cheese and everything crappy in the entire world all at the same time.
A single tear came to the ZZMadMan's eye.
As the blinding white light subsided from The ZZMadMan's vision, he contemplated curling up on the side of the road in the fetal position. But judging this as un-manly he continued home; a tremble in his legs and cold sweat on his brow. The longest 5 km of his life.
But The Road Warrior Lives on ... Always vigilant of stray meat !
And despite the fact that when he tells people this, they automatically think its a red tricycle with yellow tassels ..... its a real live motorbike ... a fully fledged war machine.
So The ZZMaDMan is riding his bike down the highway, winding between the lanes of never ending traffic, when he comes across a ball of meat. Now there is no other way that one could truly describe this thing other than "a ball of meat"
It was clearly of flesh based origin judging by its tone and general consistency, but as from what poor creature this "meat" was derived The ZZMadMan had no clear indication. All that could be said is that that was the largest, non-descript, sun-baked collection of dirt covered cadaver that the ZZMaMan has ever seen on the nations motorways.
Now, as you may have figured by now, the dynamics of running over obstacles with a 2 wheeler, are vastly different from that a four wheeler. And faced with either the potential prospects of "bussing a fall", or being splattered with Churchill-Roosevelt meat sauce, it was clear that a predicament arose.
Now just to remind you .... The ZZMadMan was between lanes in traffic..... there was a car to the right of the "meat" and a pickup to its left and the Meat was in the middle, on the white line, quickly approaching.
The ZZMadMan automatically went into evasive maneuvers mode.
His senses were tuned, his eyes went all squinty, and his reflexes went into overdrive.
Just then, traffic in the left lane started to move up, the pickup started to drive up; soon it would be just past this dead "moose" making a space between it and the car behind it.
An opportunity arose !!
The ZZMaDman had every intention of utilising it!
A plan was made!
He had to accelerate into the space fast enough to gain it, round the meat, and accelerate back out of the space just as the pickup passed the cadaver lest he be hit by the car behind.
His left hand disengaged the clutch, his left foot dropped the gear, his left hand re-engaged the clutch and he leaned hard to the right as his right hand wrung the throttle unleashing the roar of the beast !!
The space was gained, the meat was rounded ... now all that was left was the exit!!
Just then....... the pickup came to an abrupt stop.............. literally 2 feet between itself and that lump of cornbeef.
Shit !!!
His right hand quickly released the throttle, he leaned hard to the right to stabilize, and gripped hard on the break !!
Just then 2 things happened:
1) The tires screeched as they bit into the road, the bike rounded the solid crome bumper of that dastardly pickup ... the meat was missed completely
2) The ZZMadMan arms tensed to their full strength to stop him from shooting over the handle bars, his left leg flailed out wildly, and his right testicle shot up into his throat and told his Adam's apple:
"Wat's up buddy !!"
The ZZMaDMan found out intimately why they call a bike a Crotch Rocket !!
Now most guys know what it is like to have this experience... at least to some degree; But for the ladies ..... and men who who never played a sport or angered young children The ZZMadMan will attempt to explain this experience:
Imagine Euphoria..... Imagine immense joy and satisfaction ...Imagine that warm glow you feel when everything is right with ur life...
Now imagine the exact opposite... Imagine pain ... just pain ... nothing but pain ... in every fiber of your torso; rainclouds, dog shit, mouldy cheese and everything crappy in the entire world all at the same time.
A single tear came to the ZZMadMan's eye.
As the blinding white light subsided from The ZZMadMan's vision, he contemplated curling up on the side of the road in the fetal position. But judging this as un-manly he continued home; a tremble in his legs and cold sweat on his brow. The longest 5 km of his life.
But The Road Warrior Lives on ... Always vigilant of stray meat !
Pimping in the 21st Century ...
Boy sees Girl. Girl sees Boy.
Boy thinks Girl is cute.
Boy decides he wants to know Girl.
Boy weighs his options.
Boy can A) attempt to talk to Girl - but this may likely lead to an awkward conversation OR/AND looks of confused distrust from the girl by having a random stranger talk to her.
Or B ) Boy can go to Facebook.com !!
Boy chooses option B) and spends a day or two looking for Girl's profile
Boy "Pokes" Girl ......
After 2 days, Girl pokes back ...... things are looking up!
Boy sends a friend request !! (There is a 50% chance that he may be added but boy accepts the risk)
After 2 days Girl adds boy to list!! ....... Boy is ecstatic !
Now Boy has his opening.....His time to shine! He thinks long and hard about his first message ...... He is eager, yet patient ..... he needs to think of something special ; something clever.... something, that will leave an impression!!
...... He thinks for a day .... two days ..... three ..... and then delivers his well thought out introduction:
"Hi ..... wat's up :)"
........ Perfect !!
2 days pass and Girl responds: "Nothing ......... what's up with you"
Its the start of a beautiful relationship.....
All Boy now has to do now is see if he can persuade her to give him her instant messenger contact .... that way he can woo her with sweet nothings from his fingertips ....
If everything goes well, one day he may even get her phone number ..... and in a year or 2 actually meet her....
Is this what the world has come to? Five years ago if someone perused someone elses personal life over the Internet they were considered a stalker ..... now they are a stalker if they talk to them face to face ...
WELCOME TO THE 21st CENTURY !!!
Boy thinks Girl is cute.
Boy decides he wants to know Girl.
Boy weighs his options.
Boy can A) attempt to talk to Girl - but this may likely lead to an awkward conversation OR/AND looks of confused distrust from the girl by having a random stranger talk to her.
Or B ) Boy can go to Facebook.com !!
Boy chooses option B) and spends a day or two looking for Girl's profile
Boy "Pokes" Girl ......
After 2 days, Girl pokes back ...... things are looking up!
Boy sends a friend request !! (There is a 50% chance that he may be added but boy accepts the risk)
After 2 days Girl adds boy to list!! ....... Boy is ecstatic !
Now Boy has his opening.....His time to shine! He thinks long and hard about his first message ...... He is eager, yet patient ..... he needs to think of something special ; something clever.... something, that will leave an impression!!
...... He thinks for a day .... two days ..... three ..... and then delivers his well thought out introduction:
"Hi ..... wat's up :)"
........ Perfect !!
2 days pass and Girl responds: "Nothing ......... what's up with you"
Its the start of a beautiful relationship.....
All Boy now has to do now is see if he can persuade her to give him her instant messenger contact .... that way he can woo her with sweet nothings from his fingertips ....
If everything goes well, one day he may even get her phone number ..... and in a year or 2 actually meet her....
Is this what the world has come to? Five years ago if someone perused someone elses personal life over the Internet they were considered a stalker ..... now they are a stalker if they talk to them face to face ...
WELCOME TO THE 21st CENTURY !!!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Jesus Christ - The Trilogy
Everything these days is a Trilogy: Star Wars, LOTR, Blade, Bourne .... you get my drift
I saw a program on cable the other day ....It was called “The Nativity”.....
I naturally assumed this to be the Prequel to “The Passion of Christ”.... it has the same setting same style everything
What’s next?... “The Rapture” ?
…… Premiering December 12th 2012.
I saw a program on cable the other day ....It was called “The Nativity”.....
I naturally assumed this to be the Prequel to “The Passion of Christ”.... it has the same setting same style everything
What’s next?... “The Rapture” ?
…… Premiering December 12th 2012.
The Art of Deception
I’m going to write a book. I’m going to call it “Deception”.
The Prologue of the book will read “This book will teach you deception in its truest form”.
The entire book will be about bunnies.
The Epilogue of the book will read “Ha Ha… Gotchya!!”
The Prologue of the book will read “This book will teach you deception in its truest form”.
The entire book will be about bunnies.
The Epilogue of the book will read “Ha Ha… Gotchya!!”
The Painting ...
Working at my office is like a being trapped in a room full of people with one picture of a window on the wall ... On this picture, through the frame of this window in there can be seen a long road winding into the distance, some beautiful trees and a big yellow sun way up in the sky.
All the managers in the room are saying “We have a solution!!! We’ll just open this window … jump through.... grab some of those delicious red apples and walk down the road off into the brilliant golden sunset.”
And to this all the other employees reply “Yes, Yes … We can see it now... walking down the road, eating apples...the juice is so sweet! The managers are so brilliant!!”
And I'm just there thinking ......... it's a fucking picture you morons !!! Why doesn't someone just open the real door !?!
All the managers in the room are saying “We have a solution!!! We’ll just open this window … jump through.... grab some of those delicious red apples and walk down the road off into the brilliant golden sunset.”
And to this all the other employees reply “Yes, Yes … We can see it now... walking down the road, eating apples...the juice is so sweet! The managers are so brilliant!!”
And I'm just there thinking ......... it's a fucking picture you morons !!! Why doesn't someone just open the real door !?!
Secret Santa ...
Yuh know what would be a really COOL present to give someone for a secret santa present ..... A Box of Ice ....
yeah yeah ....just think about it ......... You give them the present....... they shake it and hear something rattling around ...... then 2 hours later when they open it they're thinking:
"Hey, someone stole my present ....... and WET the box ...... then wrapped it up again"
This trick is particularly funny if you use yellow ice blocks ....
Muhahahaha
yeah yeah ....just think about it ......... You give them the present....... they shake it and hear something rattling around ...... then 2 hours later when they open it they're thinking:
"Hey, someone stole my present ....... and WET the box ...... then wrapped it up again"
This trick is particularly funny if you use yellow ice blocks ....
Muhahahaha
New Posts -YES !! ... Maybe
I know I know .......
I've been sticking on my posts .......its not that i'm not thinking of new stuff
My outbox of posts is full of uncompleted posts ....... i just seem to never finish them or never be satisfied with them
i'm just not a Finishy kind of person ..... I'm the guy lying face down on the track with a face full of dust and his limbs all askew 2 m away from the finish line
oh well .... i will try to finish the ones i have and try to get some new one's in
so at least you have this post to read in the mean time while i .....
brb .......... i'll finish this later
I've been sticking on my posts .......its not that i'm not thinking of new stuff
My outbox of posts is full of uncompleted posts ....... i just seem to never finish them or never be satisfied with them
i'm just not a Finishy kind of person ..... I'm the guy lying face down on the track with a face full of dust and his limbs all askew 2 m away from the finish line
oh well .... i will try to finish the ones i have and try to get some new one's in
so at least you have this post to read in the mean time while i .....
brb .......... i'll finish this later
The Equation
Being in a bad relationship is like trying to satisfy the equation
(x) Time + (y) Effort+ (z) Money = O (Love)
No matter what you substitute for x,y and z the result will always be zero.
So before you waste alot of xyz's, always check to see what's the factor on love.
(x) Time + (y) Effort+ (z) Money = O (Love)
No matter what you substitute for x,y and z the result will always be zero.
So before you waste alot of xyz's, always check to see what's the factor on love.
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